On Befriending Difficult Scriptures
spiritual reading as a form of spiritual friendship
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When I was still just a lad at school, and the charm of my companions pleased me very much, I gave my whole soul to affection and devoted myself to love amid the ways and vices with which that age is wont to be threatened, so that nothing seemed to me more sweet, nothing more agreeable, nothing more practical, than to love.1
Those are the opening lines of the preface of Aelred of Riveaulx’s book on spiritual friendship. Born in twelth-century Northumbria, a cultural center on the frontier between England and Scotland, Aelred was the son and grandson of devout and influential priests and steeped in Celtic spirituality. Encouraged by the great Bernard of Clairvaux, he wrote a number of books, beginning with The Mirror of Charity—an apologetic for the Cistercian way of life. By 1147, he was himself abbot of Rievaulx and by the end of his life—he died in 1167—a revered spiritual master whose counsel was sought by church leaders and royalty alike, earning him the title “the second Bernard.”
In Spiritual Friendship 3.22, Aelred urges his dialog partner, Walter, not to give up too easily on those who have wounded him:
If your friend, overcome by anger, chances to draw a sword or utter a grievous word, if, as though not loving you, he for a time withdraws himself from you, if sometimes he prefers his own counsel to yours, if he disagrees with you in any opinion or discussion, do not think your friendship must be dissolved because of these differences.
He admits later in the conversation that some violations do require the end of a friendship. But he insists such breaches never mean the end of love (Spiritual Friendship 3.44): “If the one whom you love offends you, continue to love him despite the hurt. His conduct may compel the withdrawal of friendship, but never of love.”
Walter says he has more than a little sympathy for those who do not want to risk the dangers of friendship with foolish and troublesome brothers. Aelred reminds him that happiness is impossible apart from friendship, because the desire to love and be loved is essential to what it is to be human, to be alive. Even so, he admits that many people find friendship painful and difficult. Why? Seeking to explain his answer, he asks Walter to consider a man who remains friendless because he is eaten up with self-loathing and fear (Spiritual Friendship 3.81):
Aelred. If you were to see a man living among many people, suspecting all and fearing all as plotters against his own life, cherishing no one and thinking himself cherished by none, would you not judge such a man most wretched?
Walter. Yes, very evidently so.
Aelred. Therefore you will not deny that he is most fortunate who rests in the inmost hearts of those among whom he lives, loving all and being loved by all, whom neither suspicion severs nor fear cuts off from this sweetest tranquility.
Walter. Excellently said, and most truly.
For Aelred, the goal of friendship is mutuality—genuine, generative equality in the giving and receiving of honor, care, and delight. Not only between two friends in isolation (although it is important for friends to have time alone), but also in the company of others who love and are loved with the same affection and trust. Anything less would be unworthy of the God who creates friendships and is himself a friend to all friends. As Aelred says in the opening lines of Book 1, talking with Ivo (Spiritual Friendship 1.1): “Here we are, you and I, and I hope a third, Christ, is in our midst.”
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Aelred’s first work reveals that his imagination was influenced by many sources, including Arthurian romances as well as the Scriptures, of course, and the writings of Saint Augustine. Aelred was as much a champion of spiritual readings as he was an advocate for spiritual friendship.
In the third meditation of A Rule of Life for a Recluse, written to help a woman preparing to take vows as an anchorite, he shows the sister how to enter imaginatively into the scenes painted by the narrative, to drink in and savor its finer details, allowing herself to imagine something of what Mary must have felt and thought in the days leading up to and following from the Annunciation.
Aelred begins right at the beginning, placing the sister in the room with Mary as she studies the prophets, preparing her heart for the word the angel would bring to her:
First enter the room of blessed Mary and with her read the books which prophesy the virginal birth and the coming of Christ. Wait there for the arrival of the angel, so that you may see him as he comes in, hear him as he utters his greeting, and so, filled with amazement and rapt out of yourself, greet your most sweet Lady together with the angel. Cry with a loud voice: “Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with you, blessed are you among women.” Repeat this several times and consider what this fullness of grace is in which the whole world shared when the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us, full of grace and truth. Wonder at the Lord who fills earth and heaven6 being enclosed within the womb of a maiden, whom the Father sanctified, the Son fecundated and the Holy Spirit overshadowed."2
He encourages the sister to go with Mary to Elizabeth’s house, witnessing the Visitation: “Run, I beg, run and take part in such joy, prostrate yourself at the feet of both, in the womb of the one embrace your Bridegroom, in the womb of the other do honor to his friend.” Then, he urges, she should “accompany the Mother as she makes her way to Bethlehem: to give birth to her Child (A Rule of Life 29):
Take shelter in the inn with her, be present and help her as she gives birth, and when the infant is laid in the manger break out into words of exultant joy together with Isaiah and cry: “A child has been born to us, a son is given to us.” Embrace that sweet crib, let love overcome your reluctance, affection drive out fear. Put your lips to those most sacred feet, kiss them again and again.3
He encourages the sister to muse on Jesus’ time in the Temple as well—and not to stop there, but to follow Mary and her son all the way to the end of his life, finding him again and again, along the way (A Rule of Life 31):
Consider him too at the age of twelve going up to Jerusalem with his parents and staying in the city while they all unawares began their return. Join his Mother in looking for him during those three days. What a flood of tears will you not shed when you hear his Mother scolding her Son with the gentle reproach: “Son, why have you dealt so with us? Behold, your father and I have been looking for you in sorrow.” If however you delight in following the Virgin wherever he goes search out the depths that lie hidden in him. Thus at the river Jordan you will contemplate the Father in the voice, the Son in his human form, the Holy Spirit in the dove. There, admitted to spiritual nuptials, you will gaze up at the Bridegroom given you by the Father, receiving the purification brought by the Son and the pledge of love from the Holy Spirit…4
Aelred moves the sister, scene by scene, through the life of Jesus as told in the Gospels and received by the tradition, directing her to find her way in each scene to Jesus’ feet (A Rule of Life 31):
Now go into the Pharisee's house and see our Lord in his place at table there. Together with that most blessed sinner approach his feet, wash them with your tears, wipe them with your hair, soothe them with kisses and warm them with ointments. Are you not already penetrated with the fragrance of that sacred oil? If he still will not let you approach his feet, be insistent, beseech him, raiseyour eyes to him brimming with tears and extort from him with deep sighs and unutterable groanings what you seek. Strive with God as Jacob did, so that he may rejoice in being overcome. It will seem to you sometimes that he averts his gaze, closes his ears, hides the feet you long to touch. None the less be insistent, welcome or unwelcome, and cry out: “How long will you turn your face away from me? How long shall I have to cry out without your listening to me? Give back to me, good Jesus, the joy of your salvation, for my heart has said to you: “I have sought your face, your face, Lord, I will seek.” He will certainly not refuse his feet to a virgin when he gave them to a sinful woman to kiss.
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Aelred didn’t just preach friendship, he lived it. One story, no doubt exaggerated as hagiography necessarily is, tells of him being attacked and thrown into the fire of a hearth by a monk who had lost his mind. Rescued by other brothers, Aelred asks them not to punish his attacker:
No, no, I beg; no, my sons, do not strip your father of the vesture of suffering. I am quite all right, I am not hurt, I am not upset; this son of mine who threw me into the fire, has cleansed, not destroyed me. He is my son, but he is ill. I am indeed not sound of body, but he in his sickness has made me sound in soul, for blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. And then taking his head in his hands, the most blessed man kissed him, blessed and embraced him, and gently sought to soothe his senseless anger against himself, just as though he felt no pain from his own sickness and had been touched by no sadness because of the injury done to him.5
Reading all this, it dawned on me: we need to learn how to befriend difficult texts—those texts that throw us into the fire. There are some texts, no doubt, that appear to us not worth the trouble. We remain suspicious of them—not entirely without reason. And yet, we cannot truly be at peace with Jesus and his Father if we are not able to make peace with those texts that prove hard to know and even harder to love. We have to befriend these texts—all of them.6 We have to learn to see each and every passage, no matter how rough, no matter how secretive or dark, as his sweet crib. We need to find his little feet and kiss them.
Aelred of Riveaulx, Spiritual Friendship (Piscataway, NJ: Gorgias Press, 2010), p. 45.
Aelred of Riveaulx, Treatises and the Pastoral Prayer (Piscataway, NJ: Gorgias Press, 2010), p. 80.
Aelred of Riveaulx, Treatises and the Pastoral Prayer, p. 81.
Aelred of Riveaulx, Treatises and the Pastoral Prayer, p. 83.
James Houston, “Aelred of Rievaulx (1110-1167): Friend and Counselor,” Knowing & Doing; (Fall 2007); available online: https://www.cslewisinstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/KD-2007-Fall-Profiles-in-Faith-Aelred-of-Rievaulx-1110-1167-628.pdf.
Strikingly, Aelred’s conversation with Ivo, the dialog that opens the work on spiritual friendship, arises because Aelred notices Ivo is struggling with how his brothers are handling the Scriptures and discussing theology (Spiritual Friendship 1.2).